Let’s Talk About Sex: Prevent Adultery

There is one aspect of my leading you on this pre-deployment journey that is like my being your marriage counselor. And virtually all marriage counseling leads to one thing: Communication Issues.

And what is the #1 Communication Issue? Not communicating.

Do you and your spouse talk about sex? Have you talked about the challenges that lie ahead sexually? Or are you just remaining silent and hoping that it will all work out? Allow Pastor Mack and I to lead you to have a profitable discussion.

Now, you may be thinking, “Ah yes, thank you Brian for including this article for all of those people who need it!” No my friend, this article is for you. And for me. And for all of us. Stay with me on this important topic.

A Chain of Events that Leads to Adultery

The list below is by Wayne Mack and is from his “Rebuilding a Marriage After Adultery” DVD series. Take some time to read through this chain of events slowly and then I will have some questions for you to ponder after reading it.

(A note to singles: this is a very similar path towards also-sinful premarital sex. Do not skip this article just because you are single.)

1. Presence of certain internal and / or external circumstantial factors.
2. Growing awareness of a particular person
3. Time spent thinking about the person’s attractiveness
4. Unplanned, innocent meetings, contacts.
5. Spend time comparing with present mate.
6. Spend time thinking about personal unhappiness.
7. Planned, intentional contacts.
8. After occasion – seek other person out for conversation.
9. Continue fellowship with this person after others depart.
10. Increasing awareness of good feelings when you are with the other person.
11. Compare the way you feel about this person with the way you feel about your mate.
12. Compare the way you are treated by this person with the way you are treated by your mate.
13. Look for ways you can be with the other person for apparently legitimate reasons.
14. Exchange of apparently innocent forms of physical contact.
15. Escalates to more passionate embracing and kissing.
16. Practice denial and start rationalizing.
17. Experience struggles with your conscience.
18. Desire for contact with each other continues.
19. Actual sexual involvement.
20. Frequent covert meetings.
21. Double life.
22. Others are suspicious and confront you.
23. Defensiveness, denial.
24. Truth revealed or exposed.
25. Decision time (1 of 3 choices)
    • Decide to continue the adultery and remain married
    • Make plans to separate or get divorce
    • Repent and seek to rebuild your marriage

Questions to Ponder

I know that it’s not pleasant to think about this path that leads to adultery. But you would be foolish to ignore the danger ahead. Honestly, I’m proud of you for making it this far in this article- I assume many will not. But I must urge you to consider a bit further.

1. How far could you or someone else get through this list before other people notice?
2. How far could you get before you notice?
3. How much of this progression happens inside your own mind?
4. Where on this progression are you today?
5. Which number is the furthest you have been since you have been married?
6. What boundaries do you need to put in place to keep the higher numbers of this list from happening during this deployment? In other words, how can you stop things at number 5 or 6 instead of all the pain that comes with steps 19 and beyond?

Discuss with Your Support Team

Now the really hard part: Talk to appropriate members of your Deployment Support Team about this important topic.

Much wisdom and discernment are required for these conversations. Discussing these things with your trusted, wise spiritual mentor/pastor is a good place to start. Allow him/her to help you make a plan for the rest of the conversations that need to happen based on where you are on this journey.

The Real Secret: Love Your Spouse

Look at the list one more time. Which numbers on the list are some version of dissatisfaction with your current spouse?

Do you see how that dissatisfaction with your spouse fuels the process?

How can you stop it?

Cut off the fuel towards adultery and turn on the fuel of your marriage!

Love your spouse! If you have a well-cultivated marriage, you will rarely (if ever) get past number 5 or 6! And if you do get that far, you will have a well-cultivated marriage that will be able to recover from such a trial. Praise God!

This is the secret of this list: Love your spouse! Cultivate your marriage! Yes, even on a military deployment!

This, of course, is not actually a secret at all. Solomon wrote this same wisdom to his son in the book of Proverbs. Proverbs 5 is all about fleeing the adulteress. And what is his solution?

“Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
    and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
(Proverbs 5:15-20 [ESV])

Love your spouse and enjoy one another. I know that you cannot be together physically, but you can still foster and strengthen your marriage. Seek a blessed marriage with your whole heart.

If this article has been helpful and/or encouraged you to strengthen your marriage over this deployment, I HIGHLY recommend Wayne Mack’s book, “Strengthening Your Marriage”. It will give you much to talk about over deployment as you and your spouse read it together.

I love you guys,

Brian O’Day

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