Let’s Talk About Sex: Embrace God’s Plan

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3 [ESV])

As you prepare for military deployment, we need to talk about sex. Really, we need to talk about the reality that you’re not going to have sex for the next… how many months?

I’m not here to condemn past actions. My goal is to look forward to a better plan- God’s plan- for what you do with your body over the next several months separated from your wife.

I’ll lay my cards on the table now: I’m convinced that God’s plan for you is to abstain from all sexual activity until you re-unite with your wife. To do this you will need to reject the prevailing worldly wisdom, and embrace God’s plan.

(For the purpose of this article, I needed to write to either husbands or wives- I chose husbands. But I think the content is easily translatable and important for you ladies as well. Just know that the tone, tenor, and topics are addressed in the manner that one man speaks to another man.) 

The Prevailing Practice

The prevailing worldly wisdom on this topic that has been embraced by far too many Christians is something like this: The wife provides nude (or nearly nude) photos or videos to her deploying husband so that the husband can masturbate while looking at his wife.

Am I close? Is this what you are planning for? Is this what you have heard that others are doing and you are considering? Have you done this for previous separations?

Have you heard rationalizations for this practice?

• “We’re married, so it’s okay.”
• “It’s better than adultery or pornography, isn’t it?”
• “Well, abstaining is impossible… that’s not going to happen…”
• “What else are we supposed to do?”

While it’s tempting to respond to each of these rationalizations individually, let’s zoom out and look at the big picture problems with this prevailing practice.

The Problems with the Prevailing Practice are Myriad

It’s too close to pornography. Everything you are doing with your body is identical to what you would do with your body to masturbate to pornography. Everything your wife would do to generate the media is similar to what she would do to set up an amateur pornography site. 

Further, if you have used pornography in the past, this prevailing practice will entangle pictures/videos of your wife with former pornographic media. Progress in your life will be to separate these things in your mind’s eye- not enmesh them.

It’s not secure for your wife’s privacy and modesty. I’m not convinced that you can completely prevent the media that your wife provides you from other people’s eyes. How many times throughout this deployment will you be away from your personal items? How often will your items be searched?

One situation that you may not readily think about: In the regrettable circumstance that you die on this deployment, someone will be tasked with going through all of your personal belongings and inventorying it before sending it home to your wife. Who will that be? What will their motives be when they stumble upon this hidden gem? 

It doesn’t build unity with your wife or she with you. One of the primary goals for sex is to build and express unity between the husband and wife. Instead of building joy-filled unity, you would be building a sense of “I hope we don’t get caught”.

If this sense of risk and danger surrounding sex is appealing to you, there are deep heart issues that you need to address. This time of abstinence will provide the opportunity for such work if you’ll allow it.

It trains you for the wrong thing. Because you’re trying to not get caught in situations that typically have very little privacy, you will train yourself to “do the deed” as quickly as possible. And you’ll be engaged in this training for months. Speed to get done as quickly as possible is the exact opposite of a healthy sex life with your wife.

Your wife will likely change during the deployment. This is a problem especially if the media that you would be looking at is the same throughout the deployment. In the time of your deployment, your wife will change. She may gain or lose weight, change her hair color, have an injury, or a host of other things. The most obvious situation is if she is pregnant when you leave or just had a child when you left. In these situations, her body will be drastically different when you return than it is in the pictures you have become accustomed to. This creates a significant challenge for both of you and brings needless shame into the marriage bed. 

It’s not God’s best for you and your wife. God has something far better and longer-lasting than the short-sighted, quick-fix solution of the prevailing practice on this topic.  

God’s Better Way

There are a lot of passages that we could examine here, but let us focus our attention on just one: 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8. Take a moment to read (and re-read) those few verses. Once you’ve read, notice a few things:

The will of God. This passage has fascinated me for a long time. Here it is: the will of God. Isn’t that what we’ve all been looking for? And what is the will of God? Your sanctification. In other words, you becoming more godly- more like Jesus- a better Christian- that is God’s will for your life. And that’s also God’s will for your wife’s life. Yes, even on this deployment.

Sanctification and sexual immorality are inseparably linked. The first instruction after this massive statement about the will of God is that we “abstain from sexual immorality.” Do you want to grow in godliness? Abstain from sexual immorality. I find it fascinating that all three things are in one short verse of the Bible: God’s will -> Your Sanctification -> Abstain from sexual immorality.

Abstain. Control Your Body. These are the verbs used in our passage. Does the prevailing practice of our day require these things? Nope. The prevailing practice is not abstaining from sexual immorality and it is not controlling your body. Instead it is merely “carrying out the desires of the body and the mind”- not a commendable thing in the Bible. (See Ephesians 2:1-4)

Like those who do not know God? Or growing in holiness? This is the contrast of these few verses. In every season of our life we are either growing in holiness or living like those who do not know God- it’s one or the other. The goal for the Christian is to grow in holiness- to know God more and live more like Jesus. In this passage, what we do with our bodies is the test for which of these paths we are on.

A Thought Experiment

Before I recommend what to do instead, imagine that the trial in front of you was not an upcoming military deployment. Imagine instead that your wife is terminally ill. She will spend the next 6 months physically wasting away, and you will spend the next 6 months by her side watching her and caring for her. Then one day she will die in your arms leaving you as a widower.

What are you to do sexually while she is wasting away in a hospital bed?

What are you to do sexually once you are a widower?

I trust you get the point already: Abstain. Control your body. Love your wife through her pain and difficulty. And learn holiness through that intense trial and sacrificially loving your wife. Then, as a widower, abstain. Control your body. And wait for the Lord’s direction regarding re-marriage.

In all of the above, the biblical principles work. The prevailing winds of culture do not.

What Do I Do?

Nothing about what I’m proposing in this article is easy. When you joined the military, this wasn’t one of the forms of suffering that you imagined. Sure you committed to die in battle serving your country- but no sex?!?

But here it is. This trial is on your doorstep. So what are you to do?

Get serious about sanctification. A lot of what we’ve talked about in this pre-deployment preparation is really about sanctification. I urge you to use this season of the deployment to become more like Jesus. Read the Bible for yourself and connecting with Christian brothers is a good place to start.

Kill Sin. Far too often we take sin too lightly. Especially our own sin. Take the opportunity that God is giving you on this deployment to take stock of your life and work with God to kill all known sin. The two books that have been most helpful to me on this topic are:

• Licensed to Kill: A Field Manual for Mortifying Sin. That just sounds like its for military guys doesn’t it? It’s not, but it’s a great (and short!) book!
• The Mortification of Sin. This link is to the Puritan Paperbacks version which has been shortened and made easier to read. John Owen wrote the original in the 1600s… I doubt you want to read the full original version. Trust me, the shortened version will be weighty enough.

Kill Sexual Sin. There has been a fair amount of Christian writing and curricula on this topic in my lifetime. In my opinion, a lot of it is unhelpful. The best curriculum I have found and that I personally use with guys I mentor is Brad Hambrick’s material entitled False Love. I cannot recommend this material too highly. Get it and work through it on this deployment.

(Hambrick’s material will be available in book form in the near future and I’ll change the link when that happens. For now, you can print it out from the link above and get started in Chapter 1 working through it self-paced or with a group of serious Christian brothers.)

Love Your Wife. One more passage for this article: Proverbs 5. Read this proverb. Then re-read this proverb. What is the antidote to sexual sin? Love your wife; rejoice in your wife; delight in your wife.

Do Your Job. I assume you are in the military. Which means your job is to keep the citizens of your country safe. I understand that you probably have a very small and often seemingly insignificant role in that massive task. Nevertheless, the task is of monumental importance.

It would grieve us all to know how many atrocities have been committed in our world because the people who were supposed to be watching over us were fulfilling sexual sin instead of standing their post. Stand your post. Do your job.

When you get home, I pray a joy-filled reunion awaits you and your wife.

I love you guys,

Brian O’Day

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